


after all you're my wonderwall

by Anonymous



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-04-20 23:38:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4806527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘Forgive me dear if this question is dumb,’ the man says, ‘but I can’t seem to understand one thing. Why would we even want to have a child in the first place?’</p>
<p>(A mean and unfunny fic poking at the popular tropes.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	after all you're my wonderwall

It’s a perfectly lovely day: the sun is shining, birds are chirping merrily in the tall trees and the warm breeze brings the warm scent of freshly brewed coffee. A perfect morning in a perfect household.

There’s a man sitting on a porch of a small white country house. He looks like he’s in his fifties, with a mass of grey hair, wrinkles on his face and a small scowl between his eyebrows. He’s dressed in dark pants and a black blazer with a red lining, which makes him look a bit like a magician. To be honest, he doesn’t particularly look like he fits in this place, oh no: he has the air of rebel around him, he feels like a person who loves running towards some undefined places and adventures. He looks like an aged rock star who still knows how to make people follow him and scream at the mere sight of him.

He looks like a rebel without a cause.

And so it’s really strange to see him sitting calmly in a comfy chair, reading a newspaper and drinking coffee. It’s seems odd. It seems out of place. But what do we know? Maybe there’s more to him than meets the eye. Maybe we just don’t see the real him.

‘Here you are, honey,’ a woman says as she puts a plate full of still warm cookies in front of him. ‘Cookies are ready.’

She’s wearing an apron, full of frills and lace, that’s is covered in flour. There’s a smudge of icing on her face, because… Well, of course it would be there. She’s quite tall, curvy like a sinusoid, with golden skin and a wild mass of curls that create a halo around her head. She looks like a perfect Stepford wife, but like with the man, it seems that it’s just a look. She too seems to have freedom and a need for danger sewn into her very being. Seeing her like that seems slightly unnatural. But hell, maybe it’s just an impression.

‘Thank you, dear,’ the man replies with a nod. ‘Sit with me, wife?’

‘I can’t,’ the woman shakes her head. ‘I have a job to go to. A big expedition. Did you forget?’

‘I didn’t,’ the man says. ‘We have a time machine. You don’t have to leave now.’

‘I have to,’ the woman smiles. ‘If I stay here any longer, you’ll lure me into bed with your charm and wild sexual energy and we won’t leave it until the next week. It’s like that every single time.’

‘What can I say,’ the man smiles proudly. ‘I was born with it.’

‘More like regenerated with it,’ the woman winks. ‘Although it’s kind of weird that you don’t want to touch other people, even hold hands with them and you have problems with any form with physical contact and affection, but when it comes to me, you have no qualms whatsoever. Not that I’m complaining, but it’s quite peculiar if you ask me.’

‘You’re my wife, of course it’s different with you!’ The man replies heatedly. ‘You are my touchstone. The only thing that has kept me grounded throughout my whole life. Every single one of my lives. Well, since I met you. But then again, back when I had these cockatoo hair, I had my mind busy with other blonde if I’m to be honest.’

‘You know how to talk to a girl,’ the woman ruffles his hair with a smile.

‘Not a girl. A woman,’ the man says and tries to pull her into his lap, but she dances away from him with a quiet laugh.

‘None of that, you silver fox,’ the woman shakes her head. ‘At least not now, wait for it until I get back. Like a good boy you are.’

‘Bollocks to that,’ the man mumbles.

‘Did you say anything?’ The woman asks sharply, but he merely shakes his head.

‘No, dear. I wouldn’t dare,’ he winks. ‘Anything else you want to tell me?’

‘Yes. The dinner is ready, you only have to reheat it. I loaded the dishwasher, make sure to unload it once it finishes running. And don’t try to sonic it! The last time you did it, it was a disaster.’ The woman sighs and after a moment she adds. ‘Rory Junior is asleep in his room, check on him in an hour or so.’

‘Who’s Rory Junior?’ The man asks, confusion written all over his face.

‘Not this again,’ he woman rolls her eyes. ‘I am so tired- Never mind. Rory Junior. He’s our son. Well, one I had with your previous regeneration. Do you remember now?’

‘No, not really,’ the man frowns. ‘Wait! Is he short, kind of round, with these brown eyes that seem to inflate?’

‘No, honey. That’s Clara. Your companion,’ the woman explains patiently. ‘He’s also not the potato one. That’s Strax.’

‘Not Clara, not the potato one…,’ the man ponders for a second. ‘Sorry, I’m not getting it. At all.’

‘He kind of looks like my parents merged together. His last name is also Pond, because if you’re going to be a cliché, go all the way, right?’

‘Right,’ the man nods slowly. ‘I bet his brilliant, a genius since the cradle, right?’

‘Of course he is,’ the woman beams proudly. ‘He is our son after all. He smells like time and custard.’

‘Custard? That’s terrible. Isn’t he sick? No one healthy should smell of custard!’ The man exclaims and the woman just smiles.

‘It’s just a random and absolutely untrue description that is supposed to show how incredibly special our kid is,’ she says. ‘Truth to be told, he smells just like every other kid: like shit and baby powder.’

‘Forgive me dear if this question is dumb,’ the man says, ‘but I can’t seem to understand one thing. Why would we even want to have a child in the first place?’

‘Well, you know…,’ the woman starts uncertainly. ‘Every loving, married couple should have a kid. A child makes a relationship complete. Besides, it’s not that we planned it. It kind of happened. We never really talked and thought about it.’

‘I figured this much,’ the man nods his head. ‘But haven’t we ever just sat and discussed it? It makes no sense for us to have a kid!’

‘I know!’ The woman exclaims. ‘Neither of us is a particularly good parent to be honest. I’d much rather work at university, go to expeditions, get into trouble all over time and space and rob tombs in my spare time. And you? Your previous regeneration was good with kids – mostly because he was a kid himself, but a kid with a gigantic and mighty penis. Or maybe his penis was big only next to my small hands? Never mind. The point is that you are terrible! Not only with kids, but also with all people. Except for me. Because I am your wife and you will love and desire me forever. No way you’d get over this feeling ever, right?’

‘You are absolutely true, my love,’ the man nods. ‘You’re engraved upon my hearts. It’s like someone tied a bow tie over us, holding us together throughout time and space. Except you know, that time when Clara jumped into my time stream and you were a ghost, and I told you it’s time to go and close this chapter of our lives. It should be a sign that it’s over between us and that it’s my time to heal after losing you… But I will never be able to let you go, wife. My wife. _My River_. But yeah, kids… I don’t even like them that much to be honest. All they do is cry and shit all the time. Where does all the noise come from? And they don’t even have an off button!’

‘Not to mention that you are probably the least reliable person in the whole universe!’ The woman shakes her head. ‘You can’t sit still, you’re always off to some new planet or star… You’re always late! And you know, there’s this problem where there will be times when you won’t recognise or know me. That kind of puts a damper on the whole kid thing.’

‘It really must,’ the man nods again. ‘And we can’t forget that we’re ones of the most creatures in the universe. I can raise an army at the mention of my mere name. Half of the universe sees me as a monster who needs to be killed and they’d do anything to get to me. And you? You are a sociopath who had been trained to murder me, but you disobeyed the orders and chose to protect me instead. You are trigger happy and just like me you love adventures and danger. I don’t see how’s that safe or sanitary. Child of ours would probably be the most endangered thing in the universe. Everyone would want to kidnap it and use it against us.’

‘Yeah… Not to mention that either of us is too independent to settle down,’ the woman says. ‘Neither of us would really want to give up their life to settle down and raise a kid. A child, even as special and gifted as ours, should have some stability in their life. They also deserve their parents to be with them all the time, instead of chasing monsters and fighting aliens. I myself don’t recall my childhood with particular joy or happiness and I don’t really know how to provide a stable household for our child.’

‘But we love each other. It should be enough,’ the man says firmly.

‘Technically, yes,’ the woman agrees. ‘But we both changed. You have a different face and even though you’re still the same man, I don’t feel about you the same way I used to feel about your previous regeneration. And you really should let me go. You haven’t seen me in what? A few hundred years? You really should forget about me by now.’

‘Bollocks to that,’ the man growls and stands from his chair, advancing the woman and pulling her into his arms as soon as he nears her. He kisses her passionately, pressing her glorious curves against his body. Even in his new regeneration, she still fits him perfectly. Her waist is still as tiny as he remembered it. Like she was made for him, no matter how he looks. ‘I will always remember and love you.’

‘I have an expedition to go to,’ the woman says weakly when she breaks away from another kiss. Her eyes are glazed over and her lips are swollen from his kisses and he knows he has to have her now. He wants her – and he always will, she’s the love of his lives, she will always be the reason why his hearts and penis swell – and he knows she wants him as well. She’s already ready for him – he can feel the heat and wetness against his fingers, because thank gods, per usual she didn’t bother with knickers. They walk into the house and shag against every horizontal and vertical surface.

And just like that, everything is wonderful again and that’s because sex fixes everything.

Nine months later they welcome another fruit of their miraculous love.

They call her Amy Junior.


End file.
